I feel like my adult life thus far has led me to a number of life lessons...some were hard earned, others were so obvious that they were painful to realize so late in life. This past year, specifically, has made my brain hurt with all of the lessons it has thrown at me...about myself, about relationships, about how the world works...Below are just some of the thoughts and lessons that I couldn't seem to get out of my head. I have been composing this post mentally for so long, it was quite simple to actually put onto paper, so to speak. I use the male pronoun in most of this blog, simply because that is the perspective I am writing it from (ie. things I have learned from my relationships with men). It does not mean that women are not to be held to the same standard, and that the same rules don't apply. WARNING: this is long, and perhaps even long-winded. But I think it is just chock full of great lessons.
- Never underestimate the power of a questioning mind. If something that your partner says doesn't make sense, don't just accept it and move on. Question it, ask about it, and keep questioning it until it makes sense or the truth comes out, whichever comes first. People only do things that make sense to them. They won't do things that don't make sense. So if a story doesn't make sense, then you are missing pieces to it. Something has been left out. Keep digging until you get that one morsel of info that makes you go "ahah!". Usually, that is information that the storyteller didn't want to divulge, but keep asking for it. It is key to understanding what happened, and the likely consequences coming down the line.
- Lying is never worth the trouble it causes. If you are not comfortable giving your partner the password to your phone and your computer and your email, then you are not meant to be. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that should be on those things that you are not willing to share with your partner. If there is, then you are not being honest with them, and they deserve honesty. So either be honest, or end it. There is no middle ground, no other choice.
- Live your life as if your partner is standing right there next to you. Ask yourself, would I say this if she was here? Would I do this if she was here? If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you are going to do it...this is the same principle as WWJD...If Jesus (or your mother, or your partner, or the Dalai Lama, or Buddha) is next to you, would you say that? Would you do that? If not, then don't. Case closed. This is a difficult road to travel, but well worth it in the end with the trust that builds with your partner knowing you are both living by this moral code.
- You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I am not saying that you don't break out the nasty if you have to in order to get things done. But don't make that your go-to. Try being nice, try being respectful, and you will likely get that back in return. My divorce could have been ugly and we could have spent thousands and we both could have gone under financially...but we didn't. We acted like grown ups, we did what needed to be done so that we both suffered the least amount possible. Could I have screwed him over? Sure. Would it have been within my right to do so? Sure. Could he have screwed me over? Absolutely. But did we do that to each other? Nope. I could still ruin him, but will I? Not likely. I just want to be left in peace.
- Anyone who is vindictive or mean towards anyone is not worth your time. This includes their ex's, their family, any animal, any child, wait staff, etc...basically any living being. If they are vindictive or mean towards them, then who is to say that you won't be next? Perhaps your relationship will end and you will be on the receiving end of the anger and the violence. End it before that is even an option.
- Do not enter into a relationship thinking you can fix or change anything about him. He is who he is. All you can do is make him a better version of himself, but you cannot change him, nor should you try. Don't like his attitude towards money? It won't change. Either end it, or keep separate accounts. Don't like his parenting strategy? It won't change. Either end it, or learn to deal with it. But never ever assume you can fix him. He isn't broken. He is who he is. Accept it, or move on to someone else.
- If there is any difference in financial spending, keep separate accounts. I used to view this as silly for a married couple...I assumed that if you didn't trust each other enough to share money, then you shouldn't be married. And perhaps that is the case...but if you have different views on how to spend money, then have 3 accounts. His, Hers, and Ours. That way, if he wants to spend $10 a day on gas station snacks while you pack your lunch every day to save money, then so be it. It's his $10. Money from each of you has already gone into the "ours" account for bills. The rest is his to play with. If that is how he chooses to spend it, then that is his business, and you need not worry about it. If he wants to buy a new truck and can't make the payments, then again, that is his problem, and you need not worry about it. If he can't pay his child support because he didn't save money when he was working, then that is his problem to deal with, not yours.
- If he wants something but can't finance it due to his credit score, DO NOT HELP. It's his credit score, he made it, and he can deal with it. This is called being a grown up. Life has consequences, and if his past keeps catching up to him, let him figure it out. I "helped", and all it got me was 100 points lower than I was and over-extended because everything was in my name only and tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Stupid stupid stupid.
- Find a partner in life who WANTS you, but does not NEED you. The only reason I got married was because he NEEDED me. He needed my money, my house, my insurance, my credit score, etc. So I swooped in and fixed it because it wasn't his fault, he's a good guy, blah blah blah. That's bullshit and you know it. Fix your own shit, and let others fix their shit. Once it's all sorted out, then you will be ready to find someone who also has their shit all sorted and is ready to be with you. Being needed isn't all its cracked up to be, but being wanted...now that is something to look for passionately.
- A man with his "shit together" is worth getting to know, regardless of his financial earning ability or physical attributes or his age. A man who is a hot mess is not. Period.
- Attention smokers: you will never successfully hide the fact that you smoke. Give it up. Either cop to it, or end it long before you meet me, because it just ain't gonna happen. You reek to high heaven and every non-smoker agrees with me. "The guy next to me was smoking, the guys at work smoke" blah blah...again, bullshit. Be honest, or don't be with me. End of story. I have had 2 men try this with me. I fell for it with the ex and I learned from my mistake. Don't assume I am dumb, for I am far from it, gentlemen.
- My mantra every day is "Not my circus, not my monkeys". It means don't fix other people's problems. I have enough of my own monkeys in my circus, I don't need to adopt yours! Either train them or get them out of the circus because they are wreaking havoc and giving me a headache.
- Don't play the victim, even if you have the right to the part. It gets you nowhere and gets you nothing, it teaches you no lessons and doesn't make you feel better. I could have played the victim and chose not to, and I just can't deal with people who play the victim but aren't even a victim to begin with. Deal with your life, deal with your decisions and their consequences. Be an adult.
- Parenting 101: every interaction with a child is a lesson, so decide what lesson you want them to learn. Parent the long-game, not the short-game. 1 - When your kid is screaming in a store for candy, do not give them candy, for you have just taught them that screaming gets you what you want. Instead, calmly leave the store with the screaming child and deal with it elsewhere, and return to the store when the problem has been sorted out. This has taught the child that screaming does NOT get you what you want. In fact, it gets you in trouble. 2 - Your child has decided not to eat what is for dinner tonight. Do not give them another choice. Dinner is what is on the table. If you give them something else simply to make dinner more pleasant for all involved, you have taught them that they get whatever they want in life, and if it is disrespectful to others, so be it, they are the most important. Instead, dinner is what is served. If they throw a tantrum, they have the right to go to bed. Hungry later? "I would love to heat up some leftovers of what you refused to eat a few hours ago, are you interested?" Lesson learned: kids are not in charge and do not dictate how the house runs. Parents do. This is how you create functioning adults, which is the ultimate goal of parenting, no? Do not create little princes and princesses..the real world is not going to see their royalty as obviously as they do. We do not get what we want, and we do not get to decide how the world runs. Sad, but true.
- If a man is a jerk when he is drinking, leave now. Quickly. 'Nuff said.
- Do not ignore red flags! During the initial stages of a relationship, it is easy to dismiss red flags as things to be fixed, or changed, or to lessen their importance in your mind because you are in lust. Do not do this. Red flags are your minds way of saying "hey stupid, don't do it!" Don't ignore your brain, God gave it to you with the express purpose of being used to its full potential. Red flags are red for a reason...if they were to be ignored, they would be a different color! :) Had I listened to all the red flags, I never would have married the man that I did...lying, drinking, smoking, more lying...I mean, seriously...so stupid...live and learn, right?
- Ask your loved ones opinions on your partner...and take them to heart, even if you don't want to hear them or don't like what they have to say...you don't need to end a relationship because a friend or family member doesn't like him, but listen to what they have to say. They likely see something in your partner that you are blinded to, and it is probably good information to keep in the back of your mind. I learned this long after a LTR of mine ended that a good friend couldn't stand him, and never wanted to spend time with me if he was around because she thought he was disrespectful and mean...I didn't see it until it was too late, but she was right. I ended it because he was abusive and I didn't see it in time. I didn't see it until he had nearly broken me, and I am still fighting to come back from that...probably always will be.
- Being with someone will not fix you. Before you can be happy and in a healthy relationship, you must be happy and healthy being on your own...you need inner happiness, inner self-esteem...you need to know, in your heart, that you are beautiful, and you are good, and you are smart, and you are happy, and you are all of those things WITHOUT a partner. Once you truly come to grips with that truth, not only are you ready to be with someone else, but you are also infinitely more attractive to a potential partner as well. Attractiveness is NOT based on outward appearance. Attractiveness is based on internal beauty. A plain person with an internal beauty will attract more people than a pretty person with self-esteem problems. Be happy single, and you can be blissfully happy with a partner.
- A best friend is worth a thousand romantic partners...never ignore one to favor the other.
- You never truly know how much support you have until life falls apart. I actually thought that besides a few friends, the only people I had in Rochester were my now-ex and his family...when that all went away, I was amazed and in complete awe by how many people I actually had. Yes, my "family" was taken away, but my FAMILY came out of the woodwork with hugs, supportive words, help, suggestions, and lots and lots of wine. God bless each and every one of you, because without you, I might have actually gone nuts.
Well, if you read all the way to the end, I am, again, amazed and in awe. I'm sure you might not agree with everything I typed, and that is okay. These life lessons aren't for everyone, we are all different and we all have our own path to walk. But I have learned so much the "hard way", I felt like I had to write it all down so at least I wouldn't forget all that I had learned. If it makes someone else think, or laugh, or take a minute to contemplate their decisions, then all the better. And if all I get is a laugh about the circus and monkeys, that's okay too! Who knows, perhaps there will be a Life Lessons 2.0 in the future...I have no doubt that life has many more lessons in store...for all of us!
