Life lessons from an outgoing, yet introverted, smart, yet somewhat gullible, mid-30's woman

I feel like my adult life thus far has led me to a number of life lessons...some were hard earned, others were so obvious that they were painful to realize so late in life.  This past year, specifically, has made my brain hurt with all of the lessons it has thrown at me...about myself, about relationships, about how the world works...Below are just some of the thoughts and lessons that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.  I have been composing this post mentally for so long, it was quite simple to actually put onto paper, so to speak.  I use the male pronoun in most of this blog, simply because that is the perspective I am writing it from (ie. things I have learned from my relationships with men). It does not mean that women are not to be held to the same standard, and that the same rules don't apply.  WARNING:  this is long, and perhaps even long-winded.  But I think it is just chock full of great lessons. 

• Never underestimate the power of a questioning mind. If something that your partner says doesn't make sense, don't just accept it and move on. Question it, ask about it, and keep questioning it until it makes sense or the truth comes out, whichever comes first.  People only do things that make sense to them. They won't do things that don't make sense. So if a story doesn't make sense, then you are missing pieces to it.  Something has been left out.  Keep digging until you get that one morsel of info that makes you go "ahah!".  Usually, that is information that the storyteller didn't want to divulge, but keep asking for it.  It is key to understanding what happened, and the likely consequences coming down the line.
  
• Lying is never worth the trouble it causes. If you are not comfortable giving your partner the password to your phone and your computer and your email, then you are not meant to be.  There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that should be on those things that you are not willing to share with your partner.  If there is, then you are not being honest with them, and they deserve honesty.  So either be honest, or end it. There is no middle ground, no other choice.
  
• Live your life as if your partner is standing right there next to you.  Ask yourself, would I say this if she was here?  Would I do this if she was here? If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you are going to do it...this is the same principle as WWJD...If Jesus (or your mother, or your partner, or the Dalai Lama, or Buddha) is next to you, would you say that? Would you do that?  If not, then don't. Case closed.  This is a difficult road to travel, but well worth it in the end with the trust that builds with your partner knowing you are both living by this moral code.
  
• You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  I am not saying that you don't break out the nasty if you have to in order to get things done. But don't make that your go-to. Try being nice, try being respectful, and you will likely get that back in return.  My divorce could have been ugly and we could have spent thousands and we both could have gone under financially...but we didn't.  We acted like grown ups, we did what needed to be done so that we both suffered the least amount possible.  Could I have screwed him over? Sure. Would it have been within my right to do so? Sure. Could he have screwed me over?  Absolutely.  But did we do that to each other? Nope.  I could still ruin him, but will I?  Not likely. I just want to be left in peace.
  
• Anyone who is vindictive or mean towards anyone is not worth your time. This includes their ex's, their family, any animal, any child, wait staff, etc...basically any living being.  If they are vindictive or mean towards them, then who is to say that you won't be next?  Perhaps your relationship will end and you will be on the receiving end of the anger and the violence.  End it before that is even an option.
  
• Do not enter into a relationship thinking you can fix or change anything about him.  He is who he is. All you can do is make him a better version of himself, but you cannot change him, nor should you try. Don't like his attitude towards money?  It won't change. Either end it, or keep separate accounts. Don't like his parenting strategy? It won't change. Either end it, or learn to deal with it.  But never ever assume you can fix him. He isn't broken.  He is who he is. Accept it, or move on to someone else.
  
• If there is any difference in financial spending, keep separate accounts. I used to view this as silly for a married couple...I assumed that if you didn't trust each other enough to share money, then you shouldn't be married. And perhaps that is the case...but if you have different views on how to spend money, then have 3 accounts. His, Hers, and Ours. That way, if he wants to spend $10 a day on gas station snacks while you pack your lunch every day to save money, then so be it. It's his $10.  Money from each of you has already gone into the "ours" account for bills. The rest is his to play with. If that is how he chooses to spend it, then that is his business, and you need not worry about it.  If he wants to buy a new truck and can't make the payments, then again, that is his problem, and you need not worry about it.  If he can't pay his child support because he didn't save money when he was working, then that is his problem to deal with, not yours.
  
• If he wants something but can't finance it due to his credit score, DO NOT HELP.  It's his credit score, he made it, and he can deal with it.  This is called being a grown up.  Life has consequences, and if his past keeps catching up to him, let him figure it out.  I "helped", and all it got me was 100 points lower than I was and over-extended because everything was in my name only and tens of thousands of dollars in debt.  Stupid stupid stupid.
  
• Find a partner in life who WANTS you, but does not NEED you.  The only reason I got married was because he NEEDED me. He needed my money, my house, my insurance, my credit score, etc.  So I swooped in and fixed it because it wasn't his fault, he's a good guy, blah blah blah.  That's bullshit and you know it.  Fix your own shit, and let others fix their shit. Once it's all sorted out, then you will be ready to find someone who also has their shit all sorted and is ready to be with you.  Being needed isn't all its cracked up to be, but being wanted...now that is something to look for passionately.
  
• A man with his "shit together" is worth getting to know, regardless of his financial earning ability or physical attributes or his age. A man who is a hot mess is not.  Period.
  
• Attention smokers:  you will never successfully hide the fact that you smoke. Give it up. Either cop to it, or end it long before you meet me, because it just ain't gonna happen.  You reek to high heaven and every non-smoker agrees with me.  "The guy next to me was smoking, the guys at work smoke" blah blah...again, bullshit.  Be honest, or don't be with me. End of story. I have had 2 men try this with me. I fell for it with the ex and I learned from my mistake.  Don't assume I am dumb, for I am far from it, gentlemen.
  
• My mantra every day is "Not my circus, not my monkeys".  It means don't fix other people's problems.  I have enough of my own monkeys in my circus, I don't need to adopt yours!  Either train them or get them out of the circus because they are wreaking havoc and giving me a headache.
  
• Don't play the victim, even if you have the right to the part.  It gets you nowhere and gets you nothing, it teaches you no lessons and doesn't make you feel better.  I could have played the victim and chose not to, and I just can't deal with people who play the victim but aren't even a victim to begin with.  Deal with your life, deal with your decisions and their consequences.  Be an adult.
  
• Parenting 101:  every interaction with a child is a lesson, so decide what lesson you want them to learn.  Parent the long-game, not the short-game.  1 - When your kid is screaming in a store for candy, do not give them candy, for you have just taught them that screaming gets you what you want. Instead, calmly leave the store with the screaming child and deal with it elsewhere, and return to the store when the problem has been sorted out.  This has taught the child that screaming does NOT get you what you want. In fact, it gets you in trouble.  2 - Your child has decided not to eat what is for dinner tonight.  Do not give them another choice. Dinner is what is on the table.  If you give them something else simply to make dinner more pleasant for all involved, you have taught them that they get whatever they want in life, and if it is disrespectful to others, so be it, they are the most important. Instead, dinner is what is served. If they throw a tantrum, they have the right to go to bed.  Hungry later?  "I would love to heat up some leftovers of what you refused to eat a few hours ago, are you interested?"  Lesson learned:  kids are not in charge and do not dictate how the house runs.  Parents do.  This is how you create functioning adults, which is the ultimate goal of parenting, no?  Do not create little princes and princesses..the real world is not going to see their royalty as obviously as they do.  We do not get what we want, and we do not get to decide how the world runs.  Sad, but true.
  
• If a man is a jerk when he is drinking, leave now. Quickly. 'Nuff said.
  
• Do not ignore red flags!  During the initial stages of a relationship, it is easy to dismiss red flags as things to be fixed, or changed, or to lessen their importance in your mind because you are in lust.  Do not do this. Red flags are your minds way of saying "hey stupid, don't do it!"  Don't ignore your brain, God gave it to you with the express purpose of being used to its full potential.  Red flags are red for a reason...if they were to be ignored, they would be a different color!  :)  Had I listened to all the red flags, I never would have married the man that I did...lying, drinking, smoking, more lying...I mean, seriously...so stupid...live and learn, right?
  
• Ask your loved ones opinions on your partner...and take them to heart, even if you don't want to hear them or don't like what they have to say...you don't need to end a relationship because a friend or family member doesn't like him, but listen to what they have to say.  They likely see something in your partner that you are blinded to, and it is probably good information to keep in the back of your mind.  I learned this long after a LTR of mine ended that a good friend couldn't stand him, and never wanted to spend time with me if he was around because she thought he was disrespectful and mean...I didn't see it until it was too late, but she was right. I ended it because he was abusive and I didn't see it in time. I didn't see it until he had nearly broken me, and I am still fighting to come back from that...probably always will be.
  
• Being with someone will not fix you.  Before you can be happy and in a healthy relationship, you must be happy and healthy being on your own...you need inner happiness, inner self-esteem...you need to know, in your heart, that you are beautiful, and you are good, and you are smart, and you are happy, and you are all of those things WITHOUT a partner.  Once you truly come to grips with that truth, not only are you ready to be with someone else, but you are also infinitely more attractive to a potential partner as well. Attractiveness is NOT based on outward appearance. Attractiveness is based on internal beauty.  A plain person with an internal beauty will attract more people than a pretty person with self-esteem problems.  Be happy single, and you can be blissfully happy with a partner.
  
• A best friend is worth a thousand romantic partners...never ignore one to favor the other.
  
• You never truly know how much support you have until life falls apart.  I actually thought that besides a few friends, the only people I had in Rochester were my now-ex and his family...when that all went away, I was amazed and in complete awe by how many people I actually had.  Yes, my "family" was taken away, but my FAMILY came out of the woodwork with hugs, supportive words, help, suggestions, and lots and lots of wine. God bless each and every one of you, because without you, I might have actually gone nuts.

Well, if you read all the way to the end, I am, again, amazed and in awe.  I'm sure you might not agree with everything I typed, and that is okay.  These life lessons aren't for everyone, we are all different and we all have our own path to walk.  But I have learned so much the "hard way", I felt like I had to write it all down so at least I wouldn't forget all that I had learned.  If it makes someone else think, or laugh, or take a minute to contemplate their decisions, then all the better. And if all I get is a laugh about the circus and monkeys, that's okay too!  Who knows, perhaps there will be a Life Lessons 2.0 in the future...I have no doubt that life has many more lessons in store...for all of us!

3 weeks in!

As of today, I have been GF/LC/HF (gluten-free/low-carb/high-fat, for those who are acronym-challenged) for 3 weeks, and I am amazed.  I have lost about 8lbs, I have gone down a pants-size, and I must be losing more than the scale actually says because people are noticing a difference.  And at my size, 8lbs won't make a noticeable difference to anyone but me.  My face is thinner, my body feels better in terms of inflammation and muscle aches and pains, and my IBS-D is essentially gone.  I am rarely hungry, and if I am, it is an appropriate response to a lack of food (i.e. its been 5 or 6 hours since my last meal), it is not a random craving or low blood sugar that is making me want to eat.

I have been having a blast trying new foods, and working on re-wiring my brain to believe that fat isn't bad for me.  For my whole life, I have been reaching for the "light" or "low-fat" or whatnot, and now I have reversed that thinking entirely.  30+ years of indoctrination takes a bit to undo, but it is easier than you would think!  Right now, I am making coconut cinnamon fat bombs (coconut butter, full-fat coconut milk, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, and coconut shreds), and they look divine!

Here is a typical day's worth of food for me:

Breakfast:
Bulletproof Coffee (coffee, blended with coconut oil, grassfed butter, and other flavors as wanted)
Eggs or yogurt, some sort of healthy fat/protein combo (eggs includes veggies, yogurt has fruit and hemp hearts)

Lunch:
two baked chicken legs with seasoning
4 celery stalks with natural peanut butter or some fruit

Dinner:
2 slices of my homemade wheat belly pizza
or
a flaxseed wrap with chicken, ranch, cheese, lettuce, and bacon
some veggies, sauteed in EVOO or coconut oil, with shredded cheese on top

Snack:
a few "fat bombs", mostly little snacks that are designed with negligible carbs and loads of fat

In the morning, I drink a whole glass of water, and when I get home that is all I drink until I go to bed (along with a glass of wine occassionally!).  That's pretty much it.  I don't count calories, I only eat when I'm hungry.  If I'm not hungry, I don't eat.  It is so liberating to actually not be hungry!  Love it!!

Two weeks on my new eating plan!

Well, it has been 2 weeks since I cut out wheat and drastically reduced carbs in my diet, and I am absolutely stunned.  I am not only stunned by how I feel, I am also stunned by how easy it was!  This is the first time in my entire life that I haven't been a slave to cravings and hunger all the time.   I never realized it until these things were gone, and I was free to eat when I was actually hungry!

The results so far:
I have lost 6lbs.
An old pair of jeans that hasn't fit right in a long time fits comfortably and almost needs a belt.
I have more energy than I have had in a very long time.
I sleep better and wake feeling more rested.
My body is much more relaxed and I can tell that my inflammation reaction is way down.  I had a massage and it was enjoyable instead of painful because my body wasn't tight at all!

And the most amazing part?  It hasn't been difficult at all.  I mean, I spent a day at the MN State Fair, home of all things fried, and I didn't even really want cheese curds or a Pronto Pup.  Sure, in my head I did. But when we passed the stands, I thought "eh, I'm not really hungry, those don't sound that good" and I moved on.  For all of you who have known me through the years, have I ever passed up those two foods?  NEVER!  And you also know that I have very little willpower when it comes to foods...hence the weight problem, I would imagine.  I tend to think "well, I only live once, so what is the harm is having just one          ".  Now I think "what is the point of having that when I don't really need it or want it?"  Talk about a change in mindset, huh?  My foods at the state fair were:  bacon-wrapped grilled shrimp on a stick, a big slab of maple-glazed bacon on a stick,  some cinnamon-sugared pecans, and a new thing called "Sno-Ribbons", which is like the child of ice cream and a sno-cone.  I tried a friend's french fry, and was less than impressed. That was my only carb of the day besides the sugar (I decided if I could avoid the gluten, then sugar was okay for the day...wasn't sure how to cut out both successfully!).

Anyway, I just committed to doing this long-term...I cleaned out my house of most of the foods I don't eat anymore (some more purging to go, but the first step is done!), and I just spent a bit of money to get almond flour, coconut flour, and erythritol shipped to me in bulk.  I am trying new recipes all the time, and finding fun ways to recreate the foods I love.  Today, I made some egg/sausage/broccoli "muffins" to heat up for breakfast this week, I made chips made entirely of cheese and then made some homemade pico de gallo to dip them in, and I made another of my favorite Wheat Belly pizzas for dinner last night and have leftovers galore.  I bought two heads of cauliflower and plan to make some mashed cauliflower coming up soon, and bought a bunch of chicken thighs and legs to bake for easy dinners on busy days.

I'm committed!  And happy to be!

Rethinking the word "Diet"

As you all know, my weight has been a struggle for me since puberty.  I was thin once. A long long time ago. Then hormones kicked in and I never looked back.  I have done many things in my life to try to lose the weight. Some have worked, some haven't, and some have been downright ridiculous.  I am at the point in my life now where I do not fall for "fad" diets.  They come and they go, never giving real results to anyone in the long-term.  I have PCOS, which really just means that, when it comes to weight loss, I'm screwed and "nothing will really work" - straight from a healthcare professional's mouth. I kid you not.

The more I learn about food and nutrition, the more I have been convinced in the past few years that we have all been duped by the government.  I am not a conspiracy theorist, I do not think this happened in order to purposely make us all sick.  But I do think that the Food Pyramid that we all know and love is a piece of crap.  "Whole grains are good for you, eat lots of them!"  "Healthy whole grains!" Pure crap, that is.  The government studied this for about .5 seconds before I was born and decided "yup, sounds good, lets get this country healthy". And since that proclamation, we have all become bigger and sicker than we ever have been in our entire history.  And I cannot tell you how tired I am at hearing the words "calories in vs calories out".  Just shut up already, clearly it isn't that easy, or we wouldn't have triathletes with a spare tire!  Give me a break!

Anyway, I ran across a book by Dr. William Davis called "Wheat Belly" that really made sense to me.  It isn't a fad, and it's based on solid science.  And best of all, it has reviews from real people like me who have become healthier following his way of eating.  My parents got me interested in this to begin with, specifically my dad.  My dad is not one to follow the crowd, or do something just because others are doing it.  And he researches everything to death before committing to it. I love that about him, because I know that if he has an opinion on something, it is likely based on hours of research and a sky-high IQ, and I can take it as truth.  As we talked, I got more interested and decided to start reading this book.  Halfway through, I decided to give it a shot for two weeks.  You can do anything for two weeks, right?

The basic premise is this:  wheat is killing us. Specifically gluten.  Wheat has been so insanely genetically altered since WWII that, genetically speaking, humans are closer to chimps than today's wheat is to "old wheat".  That's scary, isn't it?  All of this altering was done without any human testing. Looks like wheat, tastes like wheat, must be okay, right?  Wrong.  Very wrong.  The reasons are long and varied, if you are interested, I suggest you read the book or message me personally and I will tell you all about it.  His way of eating involves eliminating gluten (wheat) entirely, eating very low-carbohydrate, and loading up on proteins, veggies, and good fats. Yes, you heard me, FAT IS GOOD!  Stay away from the veggie oil, load up on grassfed organic butter, coconut oil, avocado oil, nuts, etc.

If you want to know more, personally message me or get the book, and check out his website at Wheat Belly Blog. You won't regret it. I am on day 7 of this way of eating and I feel great!  I have lost about 3lbs, I have not been hungry once, my IBS-D has all but cured itself, and I feel satisfied with everything I eat.  Will I keep it up?  I hope so.  I have never felt this good on any other "diet" in my life. I have always felt like I was missing something. I have always felt hungry, or deprived, or something.  To end this very long blog, I leave you with a picture of my supper tonight.  A wheat-free, low-carb homemade alfredo sauce pizza with chicken, bacon, and peppers, topped with mounds of mozzarella cheese. :)  Diet food people.  Rethink the word "diet".

Suffering the consequences of someone else's actions...

I am a planner.  I plan things.  I have the ability to swing by the seat of my pants, and I do on occasion. But generally, I plan.  I plan what I'm going to eat, what I'm going to do, and where my life is generally going to go.  However, "life", recently has had other plans.

My plan:  I was happily married with 3 step sons, had built a house, had a wonderful garden, had a career that was fulfilling that I enjoyed...the rest of my plan was to live happily ever after.  To live in this house until I retired with the love of my life.  This was the life I had always wanted.

Life:  I found out the "love of my life" cheated on me.  Again.  We went through this last summer, and we worked through it, or so I thought.  This summer, he did it again.  I had told him that if he ever did something like that again, we were done. So, we were done.  The beautiful custom-made house is on the market, and I am working on understanding what my life looks like as a single woman yet again.  Divorce is in the very near future.  I have lost my husband, my stepsons, my house, and my "happily every after" due to the actions of one individual.  Story of my married life:  suffering the consequences of someone else's actions.

I have moved past the sad, the angry, and I never got to the vindictive.  I stopped myself.  One day I said "Tracey, being angry at him is like being angry at a toddler who throws a temper tantrum.  It doesn't hurt the toddler, and it doesn't make the tantrum go away.  Might as well deal with the tantrum and learn from it."  So, I am happy, living my life how I want to live it, and not checking in with anyone.  I am more relaxed now than I was my entire married life, always worried about the next problem coming down the line...worried about the consequences of someone else's actions.  Now, my only worry is selling this beautiful house because I can't afford it on my own.  But that will happen in time.  The right buyer will come along.  Timing is everything.

I deserve happiness.  I deserve respect.  And I deserve a partner in life that I can trust without question.  God has a plan for me.  It may involve another long-term relationship, or it may not. It may involve staying in Rochester, or it may not.  But whatever it is, I am just going to hang on for the ride!

DIY Laundry Detergent

I'm almost out of Tide, so I thought I would be domestic and somewhat crafty and see if I could make my own laundry detergent.  It's the in-thing now, ya know.  I kind of made a mess of my kitchen, but it didn't take very long, and it worked!

So, here are the ingredients.  I made a half batch, which uses 1 bar of Zote, 1 2 lb box of baking soda, and half of everything else in the picture.  A half batch made me about 190 loads, I figured that was sufficient...The instructions and pictures are for a half-batch, the instructions at the end of the post are for a full batch, using the full boxes of everything in the above pic.

So, step 1: grate the Zote bar.  You can either use a cheese grater and risk bloody knuckles while being thrifty, or you can do a cool science experiment instead, by microwaving it.

When you nuke a bar of soap, this is what you get!  It will be warm, so let it cool in the fridge for a few minutes so it hardens up.  Then you can put it into your food processor or blender and it will chop it into fine little bits.  No bloody knuckles, and cool science!  It's a two-fer!

Step 2: Put Zote into blender and blend it to smithereens.  To help get the fine grain you are looking for, you can add the Purex Crystals and/or some of the baking soda in there as well.  Depends on how good the blender is.

Step 3:  Once the right consistency, dump half of everything and the blended Zote into a bucket and mix well.  I just used a garage bucket lined with a garbage bag.

Last: Put in airtight container and use at your own discretion!  2 tablespoon per load for front loaders (just put it right into the drum with the clothes), 4 tablespoons per load for top loaders.  It smells pretty, and is cheap!!  I got about 190 loads for about 6 cents per load!  Whoot! 

That is a 6L sterilite container, full of homemade laundry detergent.  

Recipe for full batch:

1 (4lb 12 oz) Box of Borax - detergent aisle

1 (3lb 7oz) Box Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda - detergent aisle

1 (3lb) container OxyClean - detergent aisle

2 (14.1 oz) bars Zote soap (can use Fels Naptha as well) - detergent aisle

2 bottles of Purex Crystals (or 1 big bottle as seen in my picture) - detergent aisle

1 (4lb) Box Arm & Hammer Baking Soda (or 2 2lb boxes) - baking aisle

1.  Grate Zote soap (cheese grater, or microwave/blender method)

2.  Mix all ingredients in a large bucket.

3.  Use 2-4 Tablespoons per laundry load.

This is a forgiving recipe, so substitute at will.  You can even leave out the Purex entirely and it would cut your cost in half or more, I just like the pretty smell.    If you make it and use it, let me know what you think!  

Now, to clean up my kitchen...should be easy since I have soap on the floor already!

The Saga of the Well and the Ants

Ah, the wonders of country living.  We learn something new every day.  Last Friday, I came home with the 5-yr old in tow (waiting on his two older brothers to arrive shortly) to find that our house had no water.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  I called Jason, the electric company, our developer, a well-drilling guy...long story short, no one knew what the problem was.  The running theory was the the guys doing some trenching up the way may have caused a bit of an underground earthquake and killed our pump...well, that's just ducky.  I pushed this and hit that, blah blah, nothing.  No water. Zilch.  Awesome... So, the well guy is out of town, but he called a guy he works with who said that he could stop by but not until Saturday morning.  So, now we are a family of 5 with 2 dogs and no indoor plumbing.  Anyone see a problem with this?

So, dinner menu got scratched and we went out for Chinese, then to grandma and grandpa's house for running water and such.  We had all the kids go to the bathroom, brush teeth, take showers, etc, (then we waited out a nasty hail-producing storm) and then we went home and rolled them into bed, praying that we would have running water when they woke up and needed to do it all over again.

Saturday morning, the guy shows up around 8am and determines that the pump is fine, but a colony of very determined ants took up residence in the electrical box and electrocuted themselves, thus stopping any power from getting to the pump itself.  He cleaned out the box, sprayed it down with ant spray, and voila, we have water!!  AND, Jason mentioned that the water pressure in our house seemed low, he checked and said it wasn't set high enough, so he set the psi higher, and now we have indoor plumbing with pressure to back it up!  Booyah for the well dude!!  No charge since we haven't lived there long enough, and he said that as long as we spray the thing with ant spray once in a while, we should be good to go.  Hallelujah!  The weekend is looking up!!